A Fantastic Interview with Ludovico Petravitti

Mr Petravitti, first of all, thank you very much for agreeing to this interview.

There’s nothing to thank me for. I am the one who's grateful: It’s indeed a rare pleasure to have such an opportunity!

Is it?

Oh, yes, really!

Why do you say so, and so enthusiastically, Mr Petravitti?

Well, to begin with, most people in my condition are generally forgotten. Once you’ve kicked the bucket, you know… It’s like they all want to turn the page and focus on what comes next. Or on who comes next. Like… characters in a standard, poorly-scripted soap opera. The successful ones, that is. Those that made millions of bucks on the world’s TV networks... when I was young!

In truth, they don’t ever turn the page, normally, only if they want to obsess about a specific sentence or, say, a single word, taken our of its proper context, so that they can cause an uproar, enjoy the thrill of taking offense, and generally feel superior – or think that they are so, even if they’re actually showing how stupid and prejudiced they are, in fact… But this is a different point altogether. The crucial matter is, as I said, to be remembered.

I see. And… the other reasons?

The interview is held in English, for one.

Oh? Is that… special or desirable, in your estimate?

Sure it is! You see, I am a fictional character in two books written in Italian, which is a marginal, minoritarian language, in global terms. This, I must add, notwithstanding the central role played by Italy and, to a lesser extent, the Italian language, in world civilisation and history at large. Just think of humankind, or at least the so-called “West,” without Roman aqueducts and bridges, Justinian’s jurisprudence, medieval universities and Papal schools, the music and the fine arts created at the Vatican and the courts of small city-states located all along the peninsula, the tradition of bel canto, the invention of the radio, bookkeeping, pasta, gelato, pizza… English, however, despite the awful stuff that they keep describing as being edible “food,” is the international language of our day. Therefore, by using English with you today, here, I should be able to address a bigger audience, this way... Right?

Why would you want to “address a bigger audience,” Mr Petravitti?

Because I want to make two important points clear, as far as the books, or bits thereof, written about me are concerned. On the one hand, both authors, who go by silly mortal names – “Baruchello” and “Buccola,” I believe – and claim to be some sort of ‘professionals’ – I seriously doubt that psychology and philosophy are actual "professions" but, anyway… – are in fact two bloody idiots: Total, utter, complete, undeniable, certified morons! I mean, if you think that donkeys are stupid, well... Anyway, it doesn't matter.

On the other hand, the readers, who are often even more stupid than writers themselves – and that’s really bad, believe me, and quite incredible, given the levels of ludicrous idiocy that we’re talking of – may not realise that I have no control over my own dreams, which are the main theme and, in a way, the literary substance of the strange stuff that the authors have written. Who controls their dreams, apart from a few odd guys engaging in lucid dreaming, eh? Therefore – I feel compelled to explain the consequences in detail, because you or your own readers may be a bunch of cretins unable to make the simplest, most direct inference from the premises just provided to them and placed in front of their eyes – I am not to be held responsible for the views, claims, imagery, themes, etc. etc. of those dreams. It would be most unfair. And so many people are already unfair anyhow, without needing any new cause or apparent justification!

Are there more reasons that you would like to mention?

For addressing a “bigger audience,” or for the eagerness with which I agreed to the interview?

Either issue, if you like. Or both, even: It’s your choice.

Well, then, allow me to mention another reason why I think that the authors, Drs Baruchello and Buccola, are two ridiculous nitwits; and then two more points that I think are important to understand why a late literary character such as me may be happy to give you an interview like this one.

Please, Mr Petravitti, enlighten us.

Now, Drs Baruchello and Buccola have written about me in two books for Carlo Saladino Publishing. A), who reads books these days!? Don’t they know that the near-totality of all living people around the globe are addicted to 10-second online reels, and have an average attention span that is narrower than the one of the adult giant otter of Western Ontario, which is, incidentally, burning away like most of the planet?

B), Carlo Saladino Publishing is a small, independent publisher based in Palermo. Who cares about publishers of this ilk? If people don’t even read the repetitive, unoriginal tripe that goes by the name of “bestseller” these days, nor the hyped AI-made slop peddled around by the biggest publishers, is anyone ever going to read any of the inventive – I do not wish to deny that Drs Baruchello and Buccola may actually possess a degree of genuine originality, due perhaps to how brainless or misguided they are – prose, which they have created about me, without ever asking for my permission? What are the chances of that? Come on, it's a joke! A cruel one, in fact, and yet a joke. Like life, actually...

Interesting remark, Mr Petravitti: Please, go on!

As regards why I may want to give you an interview, let me bring back the blazing thing that I was mentioning when referring to giant otters in Western Ontario: It’s burning. The world is burning. The glaciers are melting. The planet is collapsing. Life as we know it is on the line. Humankind is on the brink of extinction. And yet, people go about their business as if there was still a rosy tomorrow ahead of them all. If they ever get riled up, it’s because of some silly things such as money, fame, or some foolish totem concerning gender roles, culture wars, lexical propriety, and a bunch of other matters that, when all is said and done, don’t matter a proverbial dry fig. Not a single one, in fact! Because – surprise, surprise! – if you’re all stone-cold dead, what the heck does it matter if there are more female engineers or more male nurses? Or if Homer didn’t have enough left-handed, red-haired, speech-impaired, Black lesbians talking about menstruation in his epics? Or whether or not to allow the use of the term “retard” in a goofy comedy? Or the fact that an actor, who is now 97 years old, said in a private conversation, back in 1957, that Italians are all criminal goons, never to be trusted?

Still, Mr Petravitti, you must realise that many people, especially in today’s show business, may be worried about being "cancelled," or even wish to promote the recognition of historically marginalised groups, at least to ensure their own renewed employment. Don’t you realise that?

But… How can you all be so deluded? How can you all be so… Gosh, it’s almost impossible to find words to describe the lunacy of people’s behaviour under the present, terrifying, lethal, apocalyptic socio-environmental conditions in which your species has thrown itself, and seems unwilling to recognise and extricate itself from. The world is aflame! Nature is toast! The end is nigh!

So, with this interview, even if I’m a piece of fiction and, since my demise, I have been living in a place that is ten times better than Blackpool, Lake Como and Mar-a-Lago combined together, I try once more to make you all think and grasp that you must act now, drastically, dramatically, decidedly. Well past any point of commercial compromise or political expediency that you may have been used to until now. Rather, try and recall the emergency measures during Covid, or the mass mobilisations for World War Two: That is what you must do, if you want to save your sorry collective fat ass. Capisce?

The second point that I want to make, so as to explain why I… Uh, sorry. The angels are calling me: I’ll have to leave. Keep in mind what I told you, alright?  And please, don't misspell my name!